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Crying in the carpark

The 'easy' weekend came to an end with a fairly abrupt bump on Monday. 

I actually started the day feeling bouncy. "Too bouncy" according to my colleagues. And then my emails broke, IT spent an hour fixing them and managed to lose the 12 in my outbox. Office broke so I couldn't view or save any documents. The whole day felt completely unproductive. 

I rushed from work to the supermarket and was proud of myself for avoiding the wine. Then to watch Miss P's school play which was wonderful. But by 8pm I was tired, thirsty, hungry and ratty.

We swung by Tesco on the way home (despite the fact that I'd asked everyone if we needed anything before going to Aldi...) and Mr P asked if I wanted anything. God, I wanted wine. But I asked for alcohol free lager. Just something nice to fit in with my old routine of grown up relaxing time after a long day.

"I got you Coors Light, that's ok isn't it?" My panic was almost palpable. I felt hot, tingly and my …
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Today is Day 8. I feel really positive. But reading back at those last couple of entries in February makes me feel uneasy. I'm so sure now, but I was so sure then. I imagine I had a wobble, and didn't want to write about it. Then maybe had another and another and it's just easier to go with it. 

I guess today's lesson to myself is not to get complacent. However focussed on sobriety I feel right now there will come a time where it's so easy to 'just have one' and after that I may as well finish the bottle, then see the week out, and what's so good about sobriety anyway. 

It's really hard to explain this to someone who doesn't have the same issues and ambitions around alcohol. I know a lot of people wh…

10 days sober and rebranded

10 days. It feels like a lifetime already. I'm coming out of the tired fug and starting to feel more energised. At the moment it's kind of a nervous energy that I'm not sure what to do with. I'm excited about everything.
Over the last week I've really shifted the way I see and think about myself. For the most part I'm not pining over alcohol. Of course I have blips where the wine witch gets in and tells me how tasty it is and how good I'll feel. But I'm a non-drinker and alcohol will make whatever I'm feeling worse. That's become almost like a mantra. And I believe it. After years of being the life and soul (meaning the drunk loud one) I am rebranding myself. I am now a non drinker. I can have fun without the crutch of alcohol. I have other ways to relax. I am strong. Of course I don't feel those things ALL the time but it won't become reality unless I make it so. I read an article once about picturing the kind of person you want to be t…

1 week on

It's a week since I made this commitment. Of course I did have a little wobble but it didn't feel like I was right back to square one because I had achieved something in those first booze free days. And learned something both about myself and sobriety.
Today was a busy one rushing around with the kids, but this evening I had some time. I love to faff around in the kitchen at the weekend when there's no rush. Cooking things Mr P does not wish to eat, moshing away to a playlist of Linkin Park, Rage Against the Machine and such like with a glass of wine in hand. Well I did exactly that tonight, except the wine was AF. And the result was exactly the same! I still enjoyed myself, it was still a nice way to relax and the food was still tasty! (Avocado rice and refried beans in case you wondered).

It's ridiculous that it's taken me this long to really understand that the drink in the glass doesn't have to affect the enjoyment of the activity.
So my week one observati…

Day 1 - take 2

Last night was a very rare night away for me and Mr P, childfree. There were some bumps along the way, our romantic getaway to beautiful Buxton started with about 0% visibility due to fog and a "closed" camping area due to snow and a frozen toilet.

Safe to say I had a bit of monk on. In the end the landlord of the pub managed to sort the toilets (and the emergency electrician he called out confirmed we were unlikely to combust overnight from dodgy hookup point). Visibility became less of an issue once the sun set too, But by this point Mr P had coaxed me into a wine to help me shake off my mardy bum (And mardy face I imagine!)

I hadn't really talked to him seriously about where I was at with alcohol but ironically, over a large Merlot (for me) and a pint of bitter (him) I was able to talk frankly about it. The alcohol was a bad idea, but the chat was not. He has never had this kind of issue with booze so doesnt REALLY get it but is supportive nonetheless. So no more snea…

Faking it?

Today has been full of irritability. I blamed sobriety for that for a good portion of the day until I realised that it was really just that work sucked! It doesn't always, but I was out of the office yesterday and am on leave tomorrow, so today was like 3 days in 1! I really did hate everyone though! And I guess it's ok to have crappy days, it's not always because I'm not drinking. In fact, if I'd had that bottle of wine last night I'm sure today would have been way more stressful and less productive. But when my colleague suggested "going home for a bucket of wine" I have to admit I was tempted!

When I got home I took the dog for a brisk, stompy walk to get rid of some of the tetchiness. I even treated myself to a caramac for the road. It helped. But even though I know alcohol does NOTHING good for me, I missed it a bit.

I decided to spend my wine monies on alternative treats; skittles, bubble bath, Galaxy hot chocolate, and some Alcohol Free wine.


Crushed the post work craving

Today has been LONG.

Set off at 6am, for an 8 hour round trip with a 4 hour meeting in the middle. Most of the journey was spent listening to my Sober Diaries audiobook which I would highly recommend. Very relatable!!

I got home, having luckily not had to stop off at a shop, before realising I'd not bought wine and not even paused to consider it. This is exactly the sort of day which usually results in me sinking a bottle of red because "I deserve it" "it's been a killer day" in fact I can't remember the last time I DIDN'T reward a long work trip with wine. Success!! Go me!! I felt like a bit of a hero walking in the door planning cocoa and a biscuit!

Now, I actually would LOVE a drink. But at the same time I can look at this objectively and say, what exactly is the reward?! A bad nights sleep and a stressful slightly hungover day tomorrow? That's not a treat.

I've promised myself not to moan aloud about missing wine, which is what happens e…