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Crying in the carpark

The 'easy' weekend came to an end with a fairly abrupt bump on Monday. 

I actually started the day feeling bouncy. "Too bouncy" according to my colleagues. And then my emails broke, IT spent an hour fixing them and managed to lose the 12 in my outbox. Office broke so I couldn't view or save any documents. The whole day felt completely unproductive. 

I rushed from work to the supermarket and was proud of myself for avoiding the wine. Then to watch Miss P's school play which was wonderful. But by 8pm I was tired, thirsty, hungry and ratty.

We swung by Tesco on the way home (despite the fact that I'd asked everyone if we needed anything before going to Aldi...) and Mr P asked if I wanted anything. God, I wanted wine. But I asked for alcohol free lager. Just something nice to fit in with my old routine of grown up relaxing time after a long day.

"I got you Coors Light, that's ok isn't it?" My panic was almost palpable. I felt hot, tingly and my breathing felt tighter. 

I froze, unsure what to do. I didn't want it! I didn't want it in the car, in the house! IBecause if it was there I would drink it. I didn't know what to do. 

I went back in to the shop myself but on the way across the car park tears burst out unbidden. I felt stupid, crying over Coors flipping Light! I walked quickly through the shop, frustrated by all the end aisles of wine, vodka and gin. 

Mr P noticed that I'd been crying when I got back to the car. He doesn't understanding. Why am I crying over Coors Light? Why not just "drink it anyway, what's the difference?" Maybe I don't understand either but it caught me so off balance I just didn't know what to do. The last 10 days have been hard. Some more than others, but some have been really damn hard. I couldn't waste all that time and energy getting this far to risk throwing it away. And that's when I realised. I'm not a normal drinker. It's not normal to fear alcohol being in your house because you might drink it even if you really don't want to. 

Holly, writer of the blog Hip Sobriety has a tattoo which says NQTD - Never Question The Decision. 

I know, and have known for a while, that mediating my consumption is too hard. It's exhausting. Sure I can go out and be the sober one, I can drink almost a bottle of wine and leave one small glass for the following day. I don't need drink to function. But I don't want that life anymore, teetering on the edge of control. I know that alcohol has had more of me than it deserves. And no matter how often that sneaky voice tells me how nice it would be just this once, or how I'm clearly not that bad because look at him. I need to remember to Never Question the Decision. Because I made it for a reason. And it's to get the most out of life. So. As Day 10 draws to a close I feel determined. Let's hope it sticks!


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