So I've decided I need to change my life. I've been deciding this very slowly over the last few months. I drink too much. I am constantly conscious of it. And I'm as scared of quitting as I am of not quitting.
I lost a good friend to alcoholism last year. We'd lost touch because I found her too heavy to hold up. One of those friendships that you really want to maintain but know are going to be all consuming and I didn't feel like I had the time or energy. I feel like an absolute shitbag to be honest. Could I have hauled her out of her self-pitying alcohol soaked hole? Probably not. But I wish I'd tried harder.
Years past we'd drunk together. Wine nights while the kids played, camping trips made better with a can or 4 of Stella. But even in those moments where I thought her drinking was a level up from mine, I NEVER thought it would KILL her. Sure things got bad towards the end, but for most of the time I knew her it was weeknight evenings wine o'clock and weekend benders. Not a lot different to me. Or most of my friends. And therein lies the problem.
My friend's death shook me. I want to put the brakes on before I slide into an inescapable haze and eventual demise. But isn't that just weird? Isn't stopping drinking like admitting to being an alcoholic? If I quit smoking I'd be congratulated. Even if I didn't smoke THAT much. But if I quit drink it makes me
c) an alcoholic
So despite the fact that I've spent the day feeling crappy, grumpy and stressed due to the whole bottle of red I accidentally drank last night, and the fact that I've spent the day reading a book about quitting drink, and even bought in alcohol free beer, I'm off to drink prosecco with my lovely neighbour. Because what kind of weirdo says "no" to a sociable drink?
This is going to be more levels of tricky than I'd originally considered.