Skip to main content

Fear and self loathing

I hate myself. Not really in a "we should talk to someone" way. But more of a hungover, why-drink-on-a-school-night way.

I shared 3 bottles of prosecco with my friend last night, we had a great time catching up. Then I came home in time to say night to the kids, stuff crisps in my face, stare at Facebook for an hour, then crash.

Sleep came quickly but it was fitful and my dreams were frankly weird and disturbing. I woke at least 4 times. Usually the dull sick feeling accompanied by a mouth so dry I couldn't swallow properly. I tripped back and forth to the toilet and to top up my water. When I'm at work I'll blame my tiredness on the fact that Sophie hasn't been well all week, but that's a lie. She's slept fine since Wednesday night, this one is on me.

Waking to my alarm was not pleasant. My eyes felt heavy, my bones felt tired, my head aches, stomach churns and I have an unwarranted and inexplicable fear in the pit of my stomach that rises into my chest. I know I'm not going to be my best self at work today. I have a lot to do and really should be focussed, diligent and productive. I am going to be less of all those things because of alcohol.

Years and weeks past I'd have accepted this as just a normal part of life. A small payoff for the pleasure of drinking. But I don't think I feel like that anymore. Sure I had a fab time last night and I do like a glass of fizz. But could we have had just as much fun drinking hot chocolate or Shloer? We're conditioned to think not but maybe it's time to see.

Maybe this is Day One.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Wobble in Whitley Bay

We're officially half way through the month. And I have a confession. I had a wobbly weekend. To be completely honest I knew before I started that this weekend was going to be the most likely point to fall off the wagon. I was staying with my dear friend Kate (t'other Kate) in Whitley Bay. We've been drinking together for close to 20 years (sorry mum!) and although we see each other pretty infrequently I adore her. Whenever we're together it's like we've never been apart.  I was so excited to spend time with her and her beautiful family. And yes, we should be able to hang out without the social lubricant of alcohol, and of course we can and do. But kicking back for the evening with your best friend is just a little incomplete without a glass of wine in hand. Not drinking felt like I was putting an expectation on Kate not to drink either, or to feel bad if she did. And when it's the last time we'll see each other this year, well to be honest, in the moment …

Getting Started

So here we are. I've managed to sign myself up for a month off the booze. It's gonna be a LONG month! I've spoken to 2 kinds of people about this. The "Oh my word, no chance that's crazy" types and the "I don't drink that much anyway" ones; a few of whom will say "if it's that difficult to go a month, maybe you have a problem" but I'm sure there are more that think it! I've fallen into the habit of drinking little and often. And sometimes lots and often... So this is definitely going to be a challenge! This morning, after a quiet night in with Les and Netflix I woke groggy. Eyes heavy, head light. Muscles aching for inexplicable reasons. I heard Sophie and her friend making pancakes (and a mess) downstairs. I should probably have gone to investigate and supervise. Instead I hunkered down in the hope that another hour of sleep would help, but was not surprised when it didn't. I've had a feeling for a while I nee…

First weekend - Done!

As expected the first weekend of Sober October has been HARD!

Friday night Matthew was out at a party and needed picking up at 10pm. It was a bit annoying not to be able to get settled for the evening but at least I wasn't hanging on waiting to pour my first Friday night wine.

I was proper morngy though. Les is definitely going to have had enough of me by the end of the month. I think it's partly because I know I'm not allowed it. Like if I was giving up chocolate I'd be craving it all the time, regardless of how much I normally eat.

So my rock and roll Friday night in looked like this...

Turns out Erdinger is pretty good. I mean it's no Pinot Grigio, but it is isotonic and vitamin rich! 
I can't believe how embedded alcohol is in so many areas of our lives, and I've only really noticed since I'm not allowed it. My favourite radio station is sponsored by Strongbow, Facebook is full of people out drinking or in drinking, TV, podcasts, films, adverts, all ful…