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Fear and self loathing

I hate myself. Not really in a "we should talk to someone" way. But more of a hungover, why-drink-on-a-school-night way.

I shared 3 bottles of prosecco with my friend last night, we had a great time catching up. Then I came home in time to say night to the kids, stuff crisps in my face, stare at Facebook for an hour, then crash.

Sleep came quickly but it was fitful and my dreams were frankly weird and disturbing. I woke at least 4 times. Usually the dull sick feeling accompanied by a mouth so dry I couldn't swallow properly. I tripped back and forth to the toilet and to top up my water. When I'm at work I'll blame my tiredness on the fact that Sophie hasn't been well all week, but that's a lie. She's slept fine since Wednesday night, this one is on me.

Waking to my alarm was not pleasant. My eyes felt heavy, my bones felt tired, my head aches, stomach churns and I have an unwarranted and inexplicable fear in the pit of my stomach that rises into my chest. I know I'm not going to be my best self at work today. I have a lot to do and really should be focussed, diligent and productive. I am going to be less of all those things because of alcohol.

Years and weeks past I'd have accepted this as just a normal part of life. A small payoff for the pleasure of drinking. But I don't think I feel like that anymore. Sure I had a fab time last night and I do like a glass of fizz. But could we have had just as much fun drinking hot chocolate or Shloer? We're conditioned to think not but maybe it's time to see.

Maybe this is Day One.

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